Filter Be Gone

Filter be gone.
I hate my filter. No, not on a cigarette. The one that makes it ever so hard to express myself, my true self to others.As a writer there are 2 things that stifle me and keep my 100 paces behind where i should be. No, grammar is NOT one of them :) The first is my complete lack of motivation. My discipline is severely lacking. The other is the fact that the juiciest, most honest, most profound and personally satisfying things are usually not appropriate to write. I have so much inside me that no one knows, that i feel no one would understand or would question the origin when i just want it to be....just be, on the page a work of its own with no need for further explanation.The ideas and feelings that cause me the most angst, the most frustration, love, intense gratification and horrible sadness are not things i feel i can write without retribution. This saddens me. If i choose to think of myself as an artist and truly act as one i would not care of this detail and would create in spite of such fear. I become angry at myself that i cannot yet overcome this. I am not sure if its an issue of always being the good girl and some of these things may lead people to think otherwise or if i feel too weak to defend my own work. Either way it is weak and pathetic to me. I want to write, I want this stuff out of my head, i want my thoughts to be discussion at dinner tables, emails, blogs and anywhere else you care to talk...even if its in disagreement. This is what makes the world a cool place. Please, oh please.....someone get me a set of chia cajones i can grow for Christmas and the understanding of the people i care about so they would be able to know what i want to say is just that and to let it be...just be.