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Drums, Pa, United States
My heart is on my sleeve and my soul is on paper. Please be kind to those around you, we are all glass.

The richness of sybolism

The richness of sybolism
Telling my story with no words

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Mommy, how are babies made?

Oh, it has been too long and my pen is rusty but we need to get moving again...let it flow.
I want to start a new series and really encourage free dialogue not just here but in my interpersonal life, I hope it helps some of you feel more at ease discussing things we don't feel so comfortable talking about.  The thing is we miss out on so much when we stick to what's benign; sometimes we need to squirm to really get to know each other and more importantly ourselves maybe MOST importantly advance our collective emotional maturity.
First I want to speak frankly about pregnancy and I get to do that because I happen to be 5 months into growing a human myself.  Please know I understand this does not make me an expert but the good thing about being here is this is my blog and my pregnancy and my feelings and observations, none of which are wrong..they just are.
This baby has been a VERY long time coming, just about 10 years we have been waiting for her.  It seems important to give enough of the back story so you can understand the appreciation we have for this miracle.  When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the doctor told me I most likely would have fertility issues.  PCOS in simplistic terms is a collection of symptoms caused by hormonal imbalance driven by insulin resistance.  It's more of an annoyance than anything else and at 16 I wasn't phased by the prediction of infertility.  Chris and I have been married for almost 12 years and about 2 years into things we started casually trying to get pregnant.  After a year and a half I started to ask for help because it wasn't working out like we planned.  We had all the tests done and it came down to PCOS causing infrequent and unreliable ovulation.  In 2006, a month after my doctor told me we would most likely never conceive on my own, I was pregnant.  10 weeks later her heart stopped.  I found out later 60% of pregnancies in women with PCOS end in miscarriage because of hormonal irregularities.  3 years and many doctor visits and fertility medications later I got pregnant on the first try at IUI (artificial insemination) and 10 weeks later she went to be with her sister in heaven.  Other attempts at IUI and procedures done by fertility doctors failed and I was beginning to accept that it wasn't meant to be for me to ever get pregnant again.  Fast forward another 3 years, a failed adoption attempt and a couple of hearts broken more times than we thought we could survive and we are in the middle of becoming foster parents and I found out I was pregnant.  I was in shock for a good 2 months because I had prayed for so long that I would just get the opportunity to give my husband a baby, to never watch him go through another fathers day with such emptiness, to feel the indescribable wonder of another heart beating under my own.
With both my other pregnancies I threw up but it was cute, a novelty, a welcomed rite of passage.  A few times a week I would get sick and Chris would cheer because we knew it meant things were still ok.  This time it wasn't cute.  I didn't have morning sickness I had 24 hour a day, wake up in the middle of the night to throw up, couldn't keep even liquids down for days at a time, spending day after day on the couch with never ending nausea, losing 25 pounds in 8 weeks sickness.  It's called hyperemesis gravidarium and if affects a very small percentage of pregnant women.  Now, just shy of 5 months I have relief enough that I can eat and function pretty well most days .  I still weigh less than I did when I got pregnant which definitely isn't bad for a chubby girl and I still get sick almost every day but this is manageable and allows me to enjoy being pregnant.
It became a struggle for me explaining exactly how sick I was.  I stopped making plans with people because I was never well enough to be anywhere but near the bathroom.  I couldn't clean my house, make dinner, be around food, take a trip in the car, work, talk on the phone, feed my dog or live a normal life.  When I tried to explain this I got a lot of advice about crackers, ginger ale and sour patch kids but I tried EVERYTHING and even the medication the doctor put me on wasn't working.  I became upset when people kept telling me to be happy I was so sick because it means everything is good or that it's all worth it because of what comes at the end.  I stopped explaining after a while because I kept getting the feeling that just because I was miserable and yes I was totally miserable, that I was not entirely grateful and understanding of the blessing and miracle that is this baby.  Please know that I thank God for this gift everyday and I would go through much worse if it meant I would have a child at the end but it is also ok to not enjoy feeling like you have the worst stomach bug you ever had for 4 months straight.
In other news I would like to report that pregnancy causes some other interesting issues...breakouts, crazy tiredness, even crazier dreams, constipation (that is no joke man), insomnia, intense mood changes, baby brain, a beautiful new view of the world, a deep love for my husband that I never knew before, a fierceness for protecting my family, a gratefulness that just doesn't quit and so many more things I am so excited to still discover.
Thanks for reading please share your thoughts with me!!