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Drums, Pa, United States
My heart is on my sleeve and my soul is on paper. Please be kind to those around you, we are all glass.

The richness of sybolism

The richness of sybolism
Telling my story with no words

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Man down...really down episode 1

I have depression and there is no reason to feel badly about that and no reason to be quiet about it.

This is not me being too self revealing or trying to get sympathy (which i don't want), i am using this as an outlet, to get the thoughts out of my head and help anyone who may feel this way and think they are alone.

i have had depression for years but so many times when it would creep up on me i didn't know the signs and also didn't have the self worth to fight it.  now, i know the signs, i have MUCH better coping skills and for the first time ever have the self esteem to want to fight it.

i am on day 3.  a perfect storm of bad news and hormones left me teetering on the line; i could have just had a few justified bad days or tip the other way and its man down....well its man down.  that wasn't my choice.  its like in the movie Ghost when the demons come and take the guys' soul to hell and hes kicking and screaming, that's whats its like.
went to the shrink this morning, part of my get well plan, and he told me I'm presenting well, smiling and such.  its actually not a cover.  the strange part about my depression is that if i can actually get out of bed and through the 1st half hour of the day (which is the HARDEST, loneliest, empty, sad, body feel like its weighs 10000 pounds time of the day) i can laugh and talk and function and you wouldn't know I'm upset.  that's for now and the only way to help you understand why this happens is to use an analogy.
I'm a old time really big ship and i need someone shoveling coal in my belly 24/7 to keep me moving, to keep the fire inside, to keep my lights on.  well, that guy fell overboard or got drunk bc he stopped and no one is shoveling the coal.  the fire is going from raging, to smoldering, to black cold and quiet.  the thing is even when the fire is out the boat has enough momentum to keep sailing for a little while.  that's me functioning, laughing, smiling.  but my fire is out, its so empty and cold inside and its scary as hell.  i just hope my momentum keeps going until i get a replacement coal shovel -er bc that's when it gets really bad.
I'm still talking, I'm keeping my phone on and usually answering it, I'm still crying so i still feel which is good and i have no meds to shut my mind off so that is good (i guess).  its when there is nothing at all that it gets unbearable and i will try to keep up with this blog regardless but no promises.
i told the depression it has the weekend and then its time to get up out my space...we will see.  all i know is i didn't bust my butt over the last 5 months getting my coping skills back and starting to love myself and care about me to let it all be taken by this stupid disorder.  I'm fighting, the best i can
later dudes...  

PS......the song man down by rihanna just came on at the end of this and i never even heard this song....how serendipitous!!

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