Eternal Sunshine jr.: Rad Random

Eternal Sunshine jr.: Rad Random

Rad Random

Random thoughts, totally self satisfying:

- i dont believe there is such a thing as falling in love, there are no walls to this giant pit.  one minute you are alone and the next your heart has made room for an invader. you are in love or you are not.
- i know way more than i let on.
- just because i strive to love unconditionally, forgive a lot, dont speak unless i am pretty sure it wont hurt your feelings and hold mine in less esteem than yours doesnt mean i am broken, stupid or need saving.  i am comfortable with my kindness and will foster it.
- sometimes days go by and i dont think about my babies; this makes me happy and sad and realize that my mourning was just right for me.
- i dont capitalize or add proper punctuation bc its my style not because i dont know better.
- rules pretty much suck and im way more rebellious than is good for me.
- my husband is literally the best man i ever met followed by my dad, brother and grandfather...and my grandmother is the best person anyone will ever meet.
- would rather eat appetizers than meals.
- i DO believe people do their best at any given time.  it may not be your best or your idea of their best but it is their best.
- i may actually finally be getting that when people reject an idea they are not necessarily rejecting me (my getting it will probably not occur for several years)
- we can all do better at taking care of each other...we should.
- accepting people for who they are, including yourself is totally liberating and way more peaceful than criticizing and piling their "faults" on the resentment heap.

in progress...

i read an article in 'psychology today' that really clinched the other NEW BLOG i have been working on about the constant need to RUN on the hamster wheel, our futile attempt to find TRUE individuality and how mass communication is the LIFE and DEATH of the human race.  basically self- aggrandizing is what is causing most of us to feel entitled all the time, apps to serve us, MTO at sheetz, pandora and spoty play only what we like.  the few times we feel uncomfortable or not amazing we cannot handle it and juvenile HUBRIS comes back around full force.

The love shepherd (NOVEL TEASER)

I don't know what else to do.  So I'm just going to write what is true.  Let it flow from my heart through my fingers and finally let these baby birds fly. 

My name is Lennon Sivan and I collect hearts.  Now some may think this is mighty simple of a thing but if you're going to leave it won't be on account of that.  You may even linger, if just out of plain curiosity, when I tell you my job is making people fall in love with me.  But for sure, on principle and such, you will spin on your heels when I tell you about my soul mates.
I was closed for business for a long time.  In fact I am not sure I was ever even open.  My kind just serves to family.  I spent the first 19 years watching, waiting and assimilating.  There was no practicing, I was too awkward even for that.  I studied human behavior so quietly that my very existence could be argued.  Once I came out of this immersion study my plays were clumsy but calculated.  If I were to survive this metamorphosis the butterfly would burn with jealousy.

Liberty v. Sarcasm

Attempting to be witty and sarcastic by poking fun at what I assumed was a flaw in our fundamental belief in liberty, our cracked liberty bell; I was humbled, quiet and in the end downright patriotic and hopeful.

I began to think about how fitting it was for this broken country with a severe identity crisis to proudly display a liberty bell with a crack.  Millions have shuffled by after waiting in line to see an object that can't even perform its inherent function due to its large character flaw.  As we bob along agreeable to almost anything because it's popular our pack mentality takes over and we become one glassy, wide eyed pair of peepers, a giant hand holding a fancy camera and two giants pair of legs marching in unity where only those with questionable choice in shoes are tossed out oblivious that they should be thankful for this rare 2nd chance at individuality.

Suddenly I realized every angle and weapon I chose to deliver a sting of sarcasm at the bell was met by thick and quiet resolve; rebuffing my attack with reasoning, of all things.  For hours I searched for the weak spot; a place to finally land my haughty opinion into its dense side and kill the notion of universal blind acceptance of something fundamentally flawed.  Even its painfully obvious crack was impenetrable and as the bell stood stoic I found myself exhausted and out of breath; slowly and finally giving up to settle on the truth that this bell not only has no flaws but the crack is exactly reflective of who we are.  It was true then and now timeless in its realism. Our liberty, even as we allow for the pursuit of it (on paper anyway) still accepts anyone as long as you are pretty, fair skinned, smart (the kind evidenced by arbitrary numbers like IQ and SAT scores), homegrown and pesticide free (** preservatives are still OK).

We are born into captivity but even in this are as close to freedom as we will ever be.  Even as we rely on others for mere sustenance and cannot command our bodies into autonomy; our minds, souls and hearts are fresh from the purest liberty we will ever know.

Getting older we avail ourselves less and less to liberty because even though we use it as our nations slogan we continue to compel our citizens that liberty is to be earned; preferably after retirement and with a healthy 401k.  If we happen to partake early liberty looks like lazy.  Work as much as you can; yes, in one week.  Please make sure your kids and lawn are well manicured which happens to also pass as good parenting and works for the neighbors next door who have the slightly bigger, newer house with the slightly smarter shinier kids who absolutely adore soccer and ballet while your 2.5 loath it and wear black lipstick.  Don't forget your car is big but the neighbors just traded the Escalade for a hybrid, as I recall, the same week they started wearing Tom's shoes and buying certified organic.  Somehow you missed that memo; ask Tom Tom to recalculate your route and put you back on course with the Smiths (who, as I am sure you know, started yoga which has them pulling out ahead of the Joneses)

The absence of time is liberty.  We constantly battle the clock and would have been ahead of it once if it hadn't been for the line at Starbucks; some people just don't know how to properly order a latte.  Large?  Skim milk?  How pedestrian.  Now I am late and the time looms over me like an anvil; work, practice, bedtime, last call, expiration dates, the hour my wife finally decided to go to bed so I can have some alone time-with my computer, and work deadlines so I can squash that incompetent douche bag next to me who leaves early to get his kids from school, never misses dinner at home and likes to see the sunrise before punching in.  Someone should really tell him he will never get anywhere with that lazy slacker attitude.

The only time we slow down is when we walk our daughter down the aisle and wonder why the last time she curled her tiny fingers around yours they felt impossibly smaller, are medicated enough to have no choice, put the phone and subsequently your knees down after that dreaded call or when we blessedly and luckily start to see that liberty and time are given not earned and not to be taken for granted.  Work, love, relationships and enjoyment of all things beautiful are about quality not quantity.

Death is perceived by the astute as the final and most grand liberty as the rest try to potion, medicate and treadmill away from it. &F why hi I had my x-rays and MRI read by 12345 I think six people and only one person diahreed witj at the radiologist a guy finger disagreed that there was a compression compression fracture so I'll take the 5 to 1 and nine I guess it's therenbsp;Give me liberty or give me death; it's all the same to me as long as I am free.

Man down epidose #3...the one where the sun shines again

I won!!
I finally started to feel more and more alive and one day I just felt like my coal shovel-er came back and he brought me some chocolates to apologize for taking an unplanned vacation.
I also had an anniversary in the midst of all this that is always difficult.  My first daughter Madison, who left me at 10 weeks, would have been 5.  My littlest girl Johanna, who also left at 10 weeks would have been 2 in May and my life would be so different.  I miss knowing them, I wish I knew how beautiful they were.  I miss planning birthday parties for them, letting them wear whatever they want, teaching them how to eat whipped cream right from the can and watch them jump in puddles.
I am working on spending more time around positive loving people, loving the people who choose to spend time around me and doing things that makes my confidence continue to grow.  I am getting together with some sweet souls to help create some change in this sad, negative, closed minded, scared, hard town and working on finding the lucky publisher who wants to let my book fly.
Seems as if the financial aide for school will not happen and you know what...I am fine with that, other things will come along and fulfill me, we may again attempt to pursue foster care or maybe I will be on book tour ;)
Thanks for reading, and if anyone wants to talk about depression, miscarriage or just feeling washed over my the tsunamis of life, I don't judge and I am a pretty amazing listener.  It's ok to talk about things that hurt.

man down episode #2..the one where she's reminded to see things differently

Phew, it only went totally dark for a few days.  No flashlights just black, hopeless darkness.  All those who know and love me stand outside doing what makes them feel better thinking it makes me feel better and occasionally they are right.  It's not their fault just as much as it's not mine that they can't get it or fix it; that I can't feel my soul or even anything besides an empty shell of Kat...the cardboard cut out version.  

Kind of interesting to watch how they stand outside trying to raise me up.  Some yell and wave their arms, get frustrated  that they don't have the special mix to put me back together, some stand by quietly awkwardly shuffling feet and hands trying to think of something funny to say but not sure if it will make things worse.."will I make her crawl further into the darkness?"  Some insist on busyness, or eating or being "around", routine, getting out of bed, showering, making the bed, some live on the prayer of constant stroking...."way to go honey, you are still choosing to breath!!" and some rely on my promise to stay in the game, to fight, to stay here, to be me...for you.  

Any way they do it, they are always outside and their voices are always muted sounds coming out of exaggerated, cartoon like, open, slow mo mouths.  They feel bad they can't find the glue, i always have the glue...people should have glue for each other but there is no glue for me....there is time and sheer will.   Typing that sounds like a load of crap bc in the middle i feel i have no will but coming out the other side i see the dirt under my broken, bloodied fingernails from crawling out, that's the will i never give myself credit for.

So, I feel alive but muted and sort of slow and withdrawn but there is life inside.  

You want to know when I can really tell, THE actual moment??  When I'm on the toilet.  Just think about it, when you are in the BR on the toilet and it's just you (pretend you all don't take books or ipods in with you) and i evaluate if i feel alive yet, if i feel real yet, if I'm still cardboard, if there's still just emptiness.  

I was happy, no i was proud of my family and friends.  They are getting this now, they are really learning if they want to keep it real they are going to have roles and they are settling into this.  This is 1 reason I refuse to feel ashamed or keep quiet about this, this has to help someone else feel less alone.  I have my soldiers and they all stand in position when this man is down and I could not live without them...literally.  They are the reason i make it back.  My gratefulness brings me to a place of a small soap box.  Stop looking at the world like everything hates you or owes you something, stop being so damn angry, stop yelling, stop trying to outdo your neighbors hardships, successes or front gardens.  Use every opportunity to stop and i mean STOP, shut the efff up until you work it out in your mind and can spin it to a lesson or a blessin.  if you cant just shut up and try harder next time.

Back to actual happenings; I may, bc somehow i have mad tenacity, still have a shot with $$$ for school so...cool, whatever bc i adapt!  Also my first baby-girl Madison would have been 5 this week and I just watched "rabbit hole" with nicole kidman and it's about the aftermath of a couple whose son dies.  It was not a good choice for this time of me crawling out of my own blackness but i sobbed and imagined her watching me.  I wonder what she looks like and have an urge to turn this into creativity so i will write.

I am thankful for a soft couch, hot water, nice smelling soap and a family that truly loves me and a heart too big to fit in my chest.

Thanks to those who made it to the end of this, you are very caring :)