Man down epidose #3...the one where the sun shines again

I won!!
I finally started to feel more and more alive and one day I just felt like my coal shovel-er came back and he brought me some chocolates to apologize for taking an unplanned vacation.
I also had an anniversary in the midst of all this that is always difficult.  My first daughter Madison, who left me at 10 weeks, would have been 5.  My littlest girl Johanna, who also left at 10 weeks would have been 2 in May and my life would be so different.  I miss knowing them, I wish I knew how beautiful they were.  I miss planning birthday parties for them, letting them wear whatever they want, teaching them how to eat whipped cream right from the can and watch them jump in puddles.
I am working on spending more time around positive loving people, loving the people who choose to spend time around me and doing things that makes my confidence continue to grow.  I am getting together with some sweet souls to help create some change in this sad, negative, closed minded, scared, hard town and working on finding the lucky publisher who wants to let my book fly.
Seems as if the financial aide for school will not happen and you know what...I am fine with that, other things will come along and fulfill me, we may again attempt to pursue foster care or maybe I will be on book tour ;)
Thanks for reading, and if anyone wants to talk about depression, miscarriage or just feeling washed over my the tsunamis of life, I don't judge and I am a pretty amazing listener.  It's ok to talk about things that hurt.