Dirty

Does a diamond turn back to coal
if you wait 1000 years?
How would you know?
You don't have time to wait around.
Instead of 1000 years of patience
add 1000 pounds of pressure and tears.
Press the black energy to make it shine
because instead of the fire and warmth
you want it to sparkle on the hand that lifts your wine.
We made these rules of law and order
to perpetuate our DNA
as permanently selfish creatures we know no other way.
You- the pretty robot
in line of laying hens
and you-autonomous danger of of the mutiny of real love
you go off in the train.

December love

Finally your very own love song.
You are open. You let me open you, look inside, poke around and move your insides, do my first living autopsy. You spoke through pain, over the loudness of your broken hearts jagged edges trying to close before I entered.
You let me hold you, those beautiful broken pieces you think are ugly. I assure you of your lovliness,the kindest I have ever seen.
You know how to love with no instruction just perfect intuition. I am so hard to hold onto, slippery, needy but wonderfully rewarding in the right habitat. You know the how and why of my ways, the crooked parts of my heart.
You Listen to the music I love, find a way to make it your own. The immense  weight of your hands and the light of your eyes matched only by the life giving perfect timing of your words. Writing, loving, jiggling, singing, oddness, hopefulness. Giving love and attention to the bullied is what made me come into a self I now adore.
Real estate in my heart is abundant because of you but the private bungalow in my soul is all you, forever. My promise to you changes with your needs but what remains is unconditional and steadfast. In the end there is no such thing as lonely.

Credit

It takes loads of restraint and is almost humanly impossible to not use the super powers of evil inside.  I possess a wrecking ball poised at your front door and to not walk up and ring the bell with the force of the index requires super human effort.  At times I regret my determination to be different, to be swift and fair.  I want to be a blunt, mean, hurtful bitch to equal your lack of consideration for this heart that counts your every breath.  This heart that carries the super glue and shop vac for the sadness and injustices done to you.  Your range on the consideration spectrum is nothing short of miraculous, it confounds me.  You are really never here when it's crucial.  You gave, at best, some pretty words.   Even when capable, not even a word to see how I am.  I turn into a needy, selfish, clingy baby with no respect who tantrums for attention.  It's not me but it's all I have.  Why do I care so much?  Why can't I just be honest about it, lower my expectations, not need you so much?  The truth is the break feels good but I want you jumping through hoops to get to me and you are not.  Yeah, this is healthy.  But if we are who we say we are we should be able to handle an honest conversation.  My fear is that we won't, we give us more credit than we deserve.

September love

I fear the way this will affect you.  Much more than my own consequences of shoving my feelings down into the overstuffed, invalid box.  You put a lot of mental and verbal energy into keeping me where you want me.  With your beauty you make it impossible to move.  You want a bleeding, loving heart right where you put her.. last.  She cannot move or the consequences which I now see as manipulation; pull this altruistic, fundamental love and resolve of not abandoning you back to my statue place.  I want and hope that two souls so enmeshed could navigate this painful but thruthful dialogue.  In reality I fear I won't be pretty enough for you to stay.  I'm in, are you?  Do you even have time to be in?  No, it's not all a facade.  The fundamentals are like the walls of Jericho.  Will you stay with me to discuss the fake, the hard to say?  Will you be willing as I am to lock ourselves in until we burn away the worthless and build a bond no man can ever touch?  The answer I so very sadly fear is no.  I will be reminded of my place my lack of significance that I am nothing to you as you are to me.  That is a monumental hurt I may never recover from... but we both bricked that wall.  Sadly this is a never ending dream that consumes me to which I will hear the simple and crushing ending blow to my beautiful decision.  "Baby you know I can't, I have no time.  I want to be there but...."

Blog me

So, I finally got off my duff and completed my book. This is largely due to my Nataliya who actually asked for the book for her birthday 2 years in a row and finally got it this time!
It is a collection of all my blogging, ranting, thoughts, confessional poetry and everything but the kitchen sink...well maybe even that.
What i need is some help getting published. When i used to use myspace as my medium i had a lot of feedback but not so much now on facebook and blogger. I need to know what you think of my stuff. you can visit my old stuff at www.myspace.com/katpsu or most recently on here. The book is about 50 pages and even has a cover that i designed. Its one of the few things i actually completed and i am beyond proud.
I need your feedback and to know if you would even buy a book like that. I need any help i can get with knowing how to go about getting publishers to look at my stuff so i know you people know loads of good stuff and i am asking for help! Thanks.

Carl Rogers is awesome

The majority of interpersonal problems in the civilized world come from conditions of worth being placed on us especially during the formative years of childhood.
Conditions of worth, an idea conceived by Carl Rogers, is basically when you consider someone with positive regard based on their actions. In other words, if you do what I want you to, I will love you. When I heard this it struck me and I will never forget that moment. This is a huge realization for all of us.
We do it to others because it’s what we know, it's what has been done to us. It destroys the spirit of exploration, wonder, imagination and confidence we are all born with. We become broken, sad, angry, we overcompensate, hang our heads low or way too high to cover the insecurity.
How different would you be, would you act or treat yourself and others if you had no conditions of worth or knew true unconditional love?

Bathtub

I could go crazy right here, right now in this bathtub. I could never speak again. I could hold my book, feel the water climb down my back and dim my eyes to the lullaby of candlelight. I could easily do this as I think my thoughts of this world…why it spins this way and how we can make it better. Just the symptoms of the last ten hours; the surprising tears brought by hearing the Carpenters, remembering my dad singing it and knowing I must have been the most loved girl in the world. Thinking about the statue of liberty and wondering why her sentiment was endearing then when people passed by on boats in big hats drenched in sepia tones waiting to change their names at Ellis Island. Why is it not so now? I am going to continue to plight of the statue, I will take your poor, your refuse. Thinking I don’t want stale love, there will be a way to keep it fresh and I will not accept or give less.